Some days my greatest achievement is not crying at my desk.

I think there is a reputation of law practice in general, and litigation practice groups within firms most especially, as stressful and emotionally trying places. (Although I think most people think their jobs are especially stressful and emotionally draining so I am reticent to claim special status.)

Anyway, we are in the midst of a trial. It isn't a trial I have done much work on, but once a trial start it becomes an all hands situation; whatever other priorities you may have had get put on hold and you help as soon as you are asked. I was asked to help with a research project that seemed like it should have an obvious and straightforward answer but, as is often the case with simple questions, had no discernible answer whatsoever. I cobbled together the best answer I could, but it was not what the partner wanted. (The partner who is under a huge amount of stress, who is sleep deprived, and who just wanted a clear answer.) He was not happy and I heard about it.

So I kept my head down and worked. I kicked off my super cute and impractical shoes and kept my "desk shoes" on- even in the library and copy room. I billed a ton (which is the upside of this) even with my headache from straining to keep it together. I talked myself out of buying a new pair of amazing work pants, that I really want but absolutely do not need. (When I get upset I have a very bad habit of saying f**k it, I am going to buy it.) Basically it was an entire day teetering on an emotional razor-blade because I felt incompetent.

The partner wasn't loud, or rude or mean; just exceedingly disappointed; which is so much worse. In telling the story to her my mom asked "but why didn't you defend yourself to him?" That is a complicated question. I am sure part of it is a passivity born of being taught the importance of being "nice" above all. But that isn't it alone, a part of it is that you can never be certain that there isn't a better answer you didn't find, with millions of cases and statutes and rules, not to mention articles and legislative history- you can't read it all. Plus there is the ever looming fact that the line between explaining and making excuses can be thin, and taking responsibility and fixing the problem (or at least moving on) is much preferred to perceived excuses.

Anyway, today is a new day and last night the second chair sent me an email thanking me for my help, which I am taking to mean I am not getting fired.