There is a reason people don't leave California.

It is Christmas Eve, and today I went for my run, I ran barefoot on the beach, in shorts and a t-shirt. Just when the craziness of the holidays, and being home was starting to get to me I remembered how amazing it is that I actually live in a place as fabulous as the Monterey Bay. I hope I can hold on to how blessed I am to be home.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Okay so I kinda love exams...

Well only sorta...

First off I know that this puts me at odds with most of the world.

And it doesn't mean that if, given the choice to not have to take them or not have them count for a grade I wouldn't jump at the chance.

What I mean is, accepting the reality that this is something I have to do I will accept it and see the good in them:
I like the idea that I have four hours to sit down and prove myself. It is kind of exciting, like I am in some sort of epic, albeit nerdy, battle with my professors where I have to save my self from a death of drowning in debt or sodium poisoning from over consumption of ramen. Okay, so it isn't really all that epic but the idea of sitting down and proving yourself does have a certain appeal.
The other thing I like is that they bring with them this weird other worldliness where you are both EXTREMELY crazy busy and stressed and at the same time have no plans and quite a bit of freedom. I loved winter exams at Cal especially, because there was a general sense of batting down the hatches and all focusing together; everything would get really quiet. You would walk by a frat house on a Friday night coming back from the library and it would be silent.
Law school it is a little different, in part because I am no longer surrounded by students, and Grace could care less, she just cares that we aren't giving her nearly the level of attention she expects for when we are at home. Honnestly at one point I was sure out lack of attention had "broken the dog," when I was cooking eggs and bacon and she stayed looking sad on the guest bed. (Don't worry she recovered.) Also because my roommate and I are both stress eaters, this time involves a lot of supplemental baking, I am pretty sure the peanut butter cookies are what revived Grace. In all it has been a good thing for our relationship as roommates (which is not always the case with exams.) We both take the same approach to exams: getting through what we can and trying to preserve sanity, trying not to deviate into extreme behavior (of either the distraction or focus type.) We spent the better part of an hour laughing over our favorite blogs.* It is one of my best memories for the semester even if it did give me another thing to waste my time with.

Grace "helping" bake cookies

All and all it is kind of nice. You don't have many times in your life where a period of time is set aside so that you can organize your life and get your head sorted out. Which is really what I try to think of this as. Because the alternative, three weeks where you do everything you can to keep yourself from becoming a smarmy plaintiffs lawyer who gets shot by a deranged client, after alienating everyone in your life close to you, is just too depressing to think about. (True albeit slightly altered story.)

*(The impetus of this being the author of my favorite blog writing to tell me that she liked the title of my blog. Insert obnoxious fan girl squeeing. -If you don't know what this sound is ask a thirteen year old about Justin Beiber or Edward Cullen. If you do not know who these people are you are a better person than me and obviously have a fulfilling life)  

Festive Winter Time...

I am feeling the holiday spirit. Notice the tree...

...and the advent calender,

Our tree was a gift from my dad, and while it might verge on being a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" I kinda love it. It currently has a Santa Clause, a Cinderella, a Package, a Cloisonne bell my mom brought me from china, a Dog that looks like Grace, a San Francisco skyline, and the ever ubiquitous pickle ornament on it. It is sparse but pretty good considering. It makes the house feel festive, like maybe we care about more than exams. Plus it is kind perfect in all of its sad quirkiness.      

In related festive news it snowed! Okay it was only a comically small amount, but it was enough to quiet the world as I ran. I told my self I didn't have to run on days it was snowing, because I am notoriously uncoordinated. But it was light and beautiful and had yet to make the roads icy. So I went out and let my self enjoy the winter. 

See snow, sorta...
it counts if you grew up on the beach

I have actually discovered that I like the winter, with a few all important caveats: I must be able to wear warm dry clothes when I get inside and I must have a good coat. Also I enjoy it a lot more when there aren't "winter sport people" to push me down hills. And who say things like "it isn't that hard" and "oh it is only a double black diamond called 'a devils death" and "oh wasn't Kate's face funny when she ran into the snow patrol." Haha... like I said I enjoy winter, but that doesn't make it easy for those of us who have difficulty staying on two feet.

This is what happens when you go into Whole Foods hungry and depressed...

You come out with twenty dollars worth of chocolate and cheese, and you eat half a loaf of bread before you get home...

My roommate and I frequently eat dinner together. Often it is a sort of "graze-y" meal where we are trying to clear out the fridge. One of our favorite things, (and the meal we brought to the rally to Restore Sanity) is simple sandwiches, just sliced tomatoes on good quality bread with fresh mozzarella, melted. They are supper good, because we use really good ingredients. Anyway our bread from the last week hadn't been refrigerated (my bad) so I volunteered to pick up a new loaf from the Whole Foods that is next to metro. Bad idea, not only was I hungry because it had been a long day, but more importantly I was overwhelmed by a slough of bad information and the pressure of impending finals. As anyone who knows me knows, I deal with stress and sadness by eating and shopping (not necessarily at the same time- not that I would say no), preferably for luxury goods and rich foods (not a good thing for someone who is living on government loans.) So Whole Foods for me is like a crack den for a junkie, lets just say the results were tasty but not good for my wallet. I left excited about my meal but wondering how I had managed to do so much damage and only come out with a single bag? So now I have the existing stress and sadness coupled with guilt over my inability to restrain myself.

What do I do?

I eat half the baguette I bought on the way home.
 (Technically an arrest-able offence on DC metro.)

Also, on a somewhat side note, I find it a little depressing that the cookies that are advertised as "chocolate chewies" are actually crunchie cookies. In the box they look deceptively like my grandmother's "chocolate gooey cookies" but no they are actually crunchy. (The law student in me thinks that this is a breach of the contract they formed. Wait you say, they were just poorly advertised, there wasn't any contract- I say oh no. Quick law school 101 moment: there are three elements for a contract to be formed: Offer, Acceptance and Consideration. Whole foods offered to contract for chewy cookies, (this was a unilateral contract which I could only accept through performance) I accepted when I gave consideration for in the form of money. The offer was for chewy cookies and that was not delivered therefore I am entitled to restitution damages, but only if I want to go through the trouble of taking them back, and I am not sure if I am motivated enough to do that.) The rhetor in me says, why not call them that Chocolate Crunchies- It is still an alliteration, and then they wouldn't be lying. Honestly though none of it matters because I left them on the dining room table and Grace jumped up and ate the whole box, mostly I am relived that I didn't kill my roommate's dog.

The Coast Guard is dropping SPAM. (It is not good as my Aunt's turkey)

OR

The time the rest of the country calls the holidays and Law Students call exams.

My trip to my aunt's for Thanksgiving was lovely. I was able to leave a day earlier than planned because my contracts class was canceled and Amtrak is amazing. (Another reason to love train travel, it only cost me $3 to rebook my ticket, it never ceases to amaze me how much more civilized train travel is, even during a delay in Philly everyone was okay, there was so much less stress and upset then when I fly.)
My break was just the respite I needed from the insanity this part of the school year brings with it. I was able to go for a couple of nice walks, eat WAY too much tasty food, catch up on sleep, and generally bum around getting my head ready for the insanity that descended as soon as I got back to school. I even caught up on the last of my readings (for the whole semester)! I didn't think that was going to happen.
Should I have, in all honesty, probably come home early to miss the craziness of traveling the Sunday after Thanksgiving and work more on my outlines, which are woefully unfinished. Well, the insane 1L in me says yes, and I should have been working the whole time. But mostly my philosophy is that the insanity doesn't really help anyone and that calm focus is such a better way to go about things. This is not how most 1L's feel. Most of my classmates seem to be surviving on coffee and anxiety alone. Even at Cal, where there was a fair amount of exam anxiety, I never saw anything like I see from my classmates now.
It is hard to explain exactly what it is like using anything but a long silly over extended metaphor. It feels like we are all on a boat together an I am aware that everything is fine. We are floating along and everyone needs to keep doing their jobs and there won't be a problem. But then about half of my ship[class]mates are running around screaming that we are sinking. They are running around, screaming, jumping into life boats (and leaving the safety of the boat for the dangers of an open ocean in a dingy.)
Mostly I am fine, I can see the insanity of only getting three hours of sleep a night, or committing a case book to memory, or completely cutting myself off from the rest of the world. But there comes a point when everyone around you is screaming and yelling and a little irrational voice in the back of your head starts saying, wait what was that, are we sinking? I know that it is irrational but you can only block out so much of the crazy. And it is nearly impossible to convince people that we are on the Love Boat and not the Titanic. (Okay well maybe not the Love Boat, although with the amount of inter-classmate dating it is getting there. I guess it is more like that Carnival cruise that was adrift for a week. Yes its stressful and the generators and water system have failed, but the Coast Guard is dropping spam and we will get through this.)
The level of stress and crazy running back and fourth wares on you, and you wonder when we are going to push piggy off a cliff. Which, is why I will leave a room when people are spinning themselves into a frenzy, and why I have committed myself to going for a run every day that I don't have class. (Dead week starts tomorrow so it is most days for the next three weeks.) Because when I am working out everything else falls away, I am not a 1L preping for my first exams, my mom isn't sick, I am not going back home to negoitate the tightrope of my childhood-self and friends with the person I am becoming; there is just music and breathing and (probably way too much) burring of muscles. (It is my Coast Guard SPAM- if you will allow me to take it too far.)
Talking to people about this time of year I get so excited for the future, when holiday stress won't have anything to do with outlining or exams,  because December will be just another stressful month at work and it will just be the added stress of parties and presents and decorations. Then I realized that it is sad that I am excited for the stress other people dread. It is hard to believe after a lifetime being in school before the holidays that I only have this one and then two more, then I get to be a grown up. (I guess?)

Anyway that was a rambling post which is probably pretty indicative of where my head is.

 Now onto studying!

Little Women

It's been a tough week for my mom and with her my whole family. This news has really gotten me thinking about how important our relationship is. The more I think about it the more I realize the legacy of women in my life. My family is full of mythical women, not that they were not real but just that at some point their impact became bigger than themselves. Thinking back on the people and stories that shaped me it was almost always the women in my life. (With the obvious huge exception of my father.) 

One of the common tropes in our culture is how poorly women treat each other. There are more books about mean girls and cruel sorority sisters than anyone could read in a lifetime. Looking at the cultural artifacts of modern times you see instance after instance of women treating each other terribly, really all reality TV is women putting each other down for publicity. It makes me ill to watch for two reasons. The first, if women want to be held on an equal plain as men we need to take cues from them in how they treat one another, and it certainly isn't pulling one another down. I think it is so important for women to be there for each other, especially the young girls who are learning from us. The second, more personal reason, is I would like culture to reflect my experience, I was raised by a tribe of amazing women each of whom have blessed me with amazing gifts. I wish that this was more women's experience, and that it was what was expected of us. Of course if the standard we are held up to is cruel and degrading that will be what young girls learn, and the experience won't change.

There are so many women who have gotten me where I am: 

The grandmother who taught me that it was okay to be smart and that we each have struggles to deal with.

The grandmother who wished positivity for me and pushed me to be happy, who loved life and taught me to make a mean pie and showed me what it meant to love deeply. 

The aunt who nurtured my creative side. 

The aunt who let me know it was okay to want what I want. 

The aunt who is understanding and honest and has more answers about my crazy weird family than I could hope for.    

The nanny who became a sister and friend, a trusted confidant, with true perspective.

The cousin who always made me feel cool.

The cousin who was there as a big sister and fellow chocolate addict. 

The friend who forced me to have some fun in high school.

The friend whose steady friendship is fiercely dependable.

The friend who is much to understanding of how lazy I am, how much I love junk food and my love of inappropriate conversations. 

My sister who reminds me that there is so much light and beauty in the world, who is much too kind and the only other person on the planet who really gets my parents. 

Most importantly my mom, I try to remember how lucky I am to have such a wonderful relationship with my mom. Who lets me know it is okay to cry and that she is always on my side, a dependable safety net to use as I need. I don't know how she is able to keep the crazy mis-formed pieces of our family together, to create order in the chaotic universe of our lives. She is somehow always only a phone call away, and even more astonishing she can reach through the phone and span a continent with her words. I can't believe her kindness and generosity, the way she willingly sacrifices herself for the rest of us. I hope I don't forget how lucky I am and that I never have to try to fill her shoes.    

Love you mom

   

On a side note I did not want to title this post "Little Women," it was the first thing that came to my mind, but I immediately thought, no I can think of something better than that. So I racked my brain and searched online and you know what I discovered, there just aren't many books about women's relationships. I thought about Jane Austen, but really her books are about finding husbands in the company of your sisters. And then I thought of Amy Tan and Toni Morrison but those are as much about poverty and the minority experience, which really wasn't what I was going for either. (Plus neither have written a book that I would read of my own free will, sorry if that is literary blasphemy.)  According to fiction it seems that a measure of success for women (at least white privileged women) is never forming strong enough bonds with other women that you can't leave them behind. In most novels (even good ones) female protagonists are either finding men or hating their mothers (or both). I think that we can blame Disney and Shakespeare for this.   

By now I have probably lost any added sanity...

So two Saturdays ago I went to the Rally to Restore Sanity [and/or Fear]. It is honestly shameful that it has taken me this long to post about it. 

Anyway it was amazing...

First of all yay for great weather and roommate bonding. We were able to pack a picnic and enjoy the last truly warm day we will see for a while.

Crazy crowded metro,
so crowded the photo doesn't look that crowded

Metro somehow didn't get the message that thousands of people were going to be flooding the mall and were running trains on the usual weekend schedule. Thankfully our combined brilliance meant we were smart enough to ride to the end of the line and actually had seats and were able to get to the rally in time to hear the bands.  

You can kinda see Jon Stewart

The crowd was packed up to 7th street
and from the Capital to the
Washington Monument

We did get to hear the music, but as for the rest of it you had a better view watching from home. The crowds were insane. (To quote a comedian "twice as many people as the Glen Beck rally but weighing in the same.") I imagine my memories will be something like the memories people who were actually at woodstock have (minus the drug induced haze- I had homework to do that evening.) It wasn't so much about the rally as about the collective conscious of the people there. It was too crowded to see or hear much. We actually watched it when we got home so we would know what happened.Talking to people, reading the signs and just being out of the house  was more than worth the time. It is a hard thing to describe what it was like or even why I felt so strongly about going.
As an educated city person I find it incredibly offensive when someone suggests that people who see nuance or live in big cities are not American. While I understand the Capra-esque vision of America that implicates small towns it is the diversity in this country that makes me love it.  In my experience it is the people who haven't seen much of the world or had their views challenged who defend their views most strongly; and they tend to do it by shouting. I guess this  is why I went. It felt patriotic to practice my right to peaceably assemble with other people who don't think screaming at each other was is the way to get things done. I guess I was defending my America, the one that is number one for me, most of whose dysfunctions were predicted (and enabled) by the founders and that has some of the best people who will hopefully get us out of whatever messes we find ourselves in.

Also I went for the funny signs and chance to wear a shirt with a quippy saying.

Pretty sure fox is afraid...

A real tea party 

   

While most of the people at the rally had views which lined up with mine, not all of them did, what joined people was a common interest in discussion. After looking at political issues for much too long I realize how blinded we all are by dogma. It was wonderful to see people come together for reason and discussion. I am not sure if I came away with much more than being a part of a cultural moment; but I was glad to be a part of it. 

Me missing what tea parties used to be...